


Piece Of My Heart

by Cherrys_Criminal_Mind



Category: Criminal Minds, Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2015-12-11
Packaged: 2018-05-06 01:55:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5398463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherrys_Criminal_Mind/pseuds/Cherrys_Criminal_Mind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer is left heartbroken when the reader ends their relationship. </p><p>* Angsty as fuck and I blame music...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Brighter

“So this is how it goes  
Well I, I would have never known “

You looked at your boyfriend, the man you’d loved for the past four years. The man who’s embrace you used to crave so much, the one you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with.

“Spencer we need to talk about this.”

He sat with his head in his hands, not looking at you. “I don’t understand what there is to talk about. I love you, isn’t that enough?”

It used to be. But now, it wasn’t.

Spencer hadn’t done anything wrong, neither had you. But you didn’t seem to be doing anything right together anymore. You’d started drifting apart ever since your sister had given birth eleven months ago and you’d jokingly commented on how you wanted one.

He’d told you at the start of your relationship that he didn’t think he’d ever want to have children, he was too worried about the fact that his Moms condition was hereditary, and he didn’t want to risk passing it on. With his job as well, he’d seen too many families ripped apart by tragedy, kids left parentless. He didn’t want that, especially coming from a broken family himself.

Initially you hadn’t wanted kids either, you were content for it to just be the two of you. But as time had passed, and more and more of your friends started having children and getting married, you realised you wanted more.

And Spencer couldn’t give you more. He wouldn’t compromise. It didn’t make him a bad person.

“And if it ends today,   
Well I’ll still say that you shine brighter,   
Than anyone ”

“I’m sorry but it’s not. Not anymore. I love you Spencer, you’re the world to me. But I want to get married, I want kids. I want that with you, and I can’t have that with you.” You were pacing the room, trying to be strong and not break down in tears.

You’d been putting off this conversation for months now, hoping one of you would change your minds. But neither of you had, and neither of you should have to. Yes, relationships were about compromise, but you didn’t want him to force him to have kids if he didn’t want them, and you now couldn’t imagine you not having them.

Imagining yourself doing this without him, the love of your life, was hard. But you had to give yourself the chance to. You were young. It hurt like hell right now but you knew you would move on, you knew you would find someone who wanted what you did.

“Let’s get married then. If that’s what it takes to keep you, I’ll marry you. If that’s what you want.” He flung his hands up in frustration.

“I want you to want it though. Not just to make me happy.” You told him, your voice cracking as you watched him shove his hands into his hair.

“I’d do anything to make you happy.”

“But you’ll be making yourself unhappy in the process and that’s wrong. You’d resent me in the end. You don’t want this. You’d be doing it to keep me from leaving.”

“Now I think we’re taking this too far  
Don’t you know that it’s not this hard  
Well it’s not this hard  
But if you take what’s yours and I take mine  
Must we go there  
Please not this time, no not this time”

Tears rolled down his face when you said ‘leaving’, him finally realising you were being serious. He stood and fell to his knees in front of you, wrapping his arms around your waist.

“Please don’t go. Please don’t leave me Y/N. Maybe I’ll change my mind. Maybe in a few years I’ll change my mind. Maybe I’ll be different. I love you.” He pressed his head to your stomach, his arms gripping you tightly.

“I love you too. But I can’t take that risk.” You murmured to him, your heart breaking at his sobs, causing your own tears to break free.

You smoothed his hair again, feeling his tears seeping through your shirt.

“You’re leaving me, you’re really ending this?“He spluttered out.

“I have to. It’s not right us staying together when we want different things. It’s not fair on either of us.”

“I don’t know what I’ll do without you, Y/N. You’re my whole world.”

“You’ll move on Spencer. You’re special, so special. I feel like I’m losing a part of myself here, I didn’t think it would be this hard.” You sniffed, your vision blurring.

“Then don’t go, please don’t go. Please don’t leave me.” He cried, his pleas almost breaking your resolve.

“I have to Spencer. I’m sorry. For both of us. You’ll move on, you’ll find someone who wants the same as you do.”

“Well this is not your fault  
But if I’m without you  
Then I will feel so small  
And if you have to go  
Always know that you shine brighter  
Than anyone does”

You disentangled his arms from your waist, having to apply force.

“Let me go Spencer. Please…. ”

“If I let you go, you’ll never come back. If I let you go, it’s real and you’re leaving me. I don’t… I don’t… Please.”

“You can’t keep me here Spencer. Please don’t make this harder than it already is. I’m so sorry. You have no idea how long I’ve fought with myself over this. Trying to convince myself that I can live without having children of my own, that I can settle for just being the best aunt ever. But I can’t. And I shouldn’t have to settle, and you shouldn’t have to compromise yourself either.”

You pulled hard on his arms, finally freeing yourself from his grasp.

“I love you Spencer. I always will. But I have to leave.” You choked out, warm salty tears streaming down your cheeks. 

“Now I think we’re taking this too far  
Don’t you know that it’s not this hard  
Well it’s not this hard”

“Where will you go?” He asked, still on his knees and looking down at the floor.

“My sisters for a few weeks until I figure things out.”

“But if you take what’s yours and I take mine  
Must we go there  
Please not this time, no not this time”

You walked into the bedroom, collecting the two suitcases you’d packed earlier today, before Spencer had come home from work. You’d come back to pick up the rest of your things another time.

You looked around the room,at the bed you’d slept in for the past two years since you’d made the decision to move in together. The drawers that had held your clothes, a picture of you and him at his friend JJs wedding taken eight months after you’d started going out.

Taking a breath and composing yourself, you walked back into the living room, seeing Spencer curled up on the couch, clutching a cushion and staring blankly at the wall.

Walking over to him, you bent your head to his, placing a last kiss on his forehead before walking to the front door.

Leaving your keys in the bowl next to the door, you pulled open the door open and walked through it, leaving behind the love of your life.

“I’d wave goodbye  
Watching you shine bright  
I’ll wave goodbye tonight”


	2. Need You Now

You were drunk.

Not completely smashed, but well on your way.

Out with your friends, you’d sloped off to the toilets and were hiding.

Because you thought you’d seen him.

The man you’d left five months ago.

It wasn’t, when you’d double taked it had been clear that it wasn’t Spencer. Just someone who looked like him, not even that much if you were being honest with yourself.

Thinking you’d seen him had bought back memories, memories of happier times; the good times that had been so plentiful at the start of the relationship. And as you sat on the closed toilet lid you found yourself swiping through your old photos. The file on your phone you’d password locked, but couldn’t quite bring yourself to delete.

“Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.  
Reaching for the phone ‘cause I can’t fight it anymore.” 

Not yet.

You wondered if he thought of you, whether he spent the same amount as time as you did wondering where your relationship had gone so wrong.

“And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?  
For me it happens all the time.”

The good times had been so good. Spencer had been an amazing boyfriend, kind and considerate, patient and loving. You missed him, missed his hugs, his kisses. The way his hair always smelt like apples, the way his hazel eyes would gaze at you as if they were boring into your soul, like you were the only thing he could see.

Had he moved on yet, or did he have the same regrets you did.

He hadn’t tried to contact you after you’d moved out, leaving things entirely up to you. You made arrangements to collect the rest of your belongings when he was out at work, posting your key through the letter box of the apartment you’d shared for so long.

Tears started to fall down your cheeks, your drunken state making you extra emotional.

You pulled up the key pad on the phone and dialed the number you had deleted, but still new off by heart.

It rang a few times and then ticked over to voicemail.

“Spencer…. It’s me. I…. I’m drunk…. I miss you so much…. I’m sorry. I don’t end know why I’m calling you, I just needed to hear your voice. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have called. I’ve had too much to drink. I’m gonna go home.”

“It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.  
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now.  
And I don’t know how I can do without.  
I just need you now.“ 

You sniffed, swiping at your face and crying into the phone, disconnecting the call when you realised what you were doing.

Perhaps you were drunker than you’d thought.

Shit.

Maybe he’d changed his number. Hopefully.

You texted your friends to tell them you were going to get a cab home and exited the cubicle, catching sight of your mascara streaked cheeks. You dabbed at them quickly, removing the worst of the mess before you left the toilets, slipping out the back entrance of the bar and out into the streets.

Your phone buzzed, an incoming call.

The number you’d just dialed.

You answered it.

“Y/N, where are you.” He was on speaker phone, you could tell by how far away from the mouthpiece he sounded.

“Outside Jimmys. I’m just going to find a cab. I shouldn’t have called.”

“Stay where you are. I’ll be there in five.”

“Spencer it’s fine…. ”

He’d hung up.

You’d have to wait for him now or else if he got here and you weren’t here, he’d think something had happened to you.

Crap.

“Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.  
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.  
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?  
For me it happens all the time.” 

You hovered in the doorway of the closed store that was next to the bar, pulling your cardigan tightly around your shoulders. It was cold.

A few minutes later you saw his car pull up, his window rolled down as he looked for you.

“Get in the car.” He told you when he spotted you.

“You didn’t need to… You didn’t need to come and get me.” You said to him quietly as you approached him.

“Get in the car…. Please. You’re drunk and emotional. I’m not about to leave you here.”

He wouldn’t, you knew he wouldn’t leave now. You walked around to the passenger door and got in, buckling in as he pulled away from the curb, driving in the direction of your new apartment.

You rode in silence, not knowing quite what to say to him, the man you’d loved for so long who was now like a stranger to you.

Sneaking glances at him, you took him in. He looked tired, the circles under his eyes darker than normal, a light scruff over his jawline and chin. Still as handsome as ever, just tired looking. Had you woken him up? It was nearly 1am.

He parked his car on the street outside your building and for a second you couldn’t work out how he knew where you lived. Then you realised that you’d texted him the address to forward any mail on to once you’d moved in.

He followed you as you got out of the car, all the way up the stairs to your front door, not saying anything to you still.

When you reached the door you dug your keys out, trembling at being so close two him after all this time. Unlocking the door you turned to him.

“Thank you for coming to get me.” You whispered, not looking at him.

“I was worried when you called, I needed to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m sorry for worrying you. I shouldn’t have called. Thank you again.”

“It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now.  
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now.  
And I don’t know how I can do without.  
I just need you now.”

He nodded and turned to walk away, hesitating slightly before he started to move.

It was that slight hesitation that caused you to blurt out “I miss you Spencer.”

As soon as you said the words to him in person, the dam of tears you’d been holding back broke free, spilling down your face, ugly sobs racking you chest. Christ, you were a mess right now.

“I miss you too.” He closed the gap between you and you grabbed for him, his arms going around as you sobbed against his chest.

“Shhhhhh….. It’s okay. Shhhhhh.”

He smoothed your hair holding you as you cried, walking you inside the apartment and closing the door.

“Oh god, I’m sorry…. I’m so sorry.” You choked out, feeling like the world’s biggest idiot for calling him.

“It’s okay. It’s fine. Shhh.”

The warmth of his embrace, the feelings of his arms around you and knowing that you’d never have them there again made you cry even harder. You shouldn’t have called him, drunk dialling was such a bad idea. But now he was here, you didn’t want him to leave.

“Stay with me. Please.” You pulled away from his chest, looking up at his his face, his own eyes filled with tears.

“I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t have even come, seeing you has bought everything back up again. I’ve missed you so much Y/N. You’re the hardest person to try to get over, and I never thought I’d ever have to get over you. I just needed to make sure you were okay.”

He went to pull away from you but you clung to his shirt.

“Please. One night. I need you right now, I don’t know why. I’m so lonely without you. I know this was my decision but I just…. I’m so lost without you. One night of being how we used to be.”

“Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.”

You stood on your tiptoes trying to kiss him, he’d never been able to resist your kisses before but he moved back, his rejection causing fresh tears to fall.

“I want to, you have no idea how much. But we can’t. It’ll set us both so far back.”

He was right, of course he was. But it didn’t make you feel any better.

“Stay until I sleep then. Hold me until I fall asleep like you used to do.” You were clutching at straws now. You didn’t want to leave yet.

He thought about it for a moment before nodding at you. “Just until you sleep.”

You led him into your bedroom, quickly changing into your pajamas and climbing into your bed. Spencer slipped his shoes off and climbed on the bed with you, staying on top of the covers.

You rolled over feeling his arms wrap around your torso tightly, bunching the quilt around your body in order to get closer. You could feel his breath on your neck and you pulled your arm out of your cocoon and felt for his hand, taking it in yours. You still fit together perfectly, two pieces of a jig saw.

You didn’t want to sleep knowing that when you woke up, he’d be gone but your eyelids grew heavy quickly, the sounds of his breathing lulling you to sleep.

“It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.  
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.  
And I don’t know how I can do without.  
I just need you now  
I just need you now.  
Oh, baby, I need you now.” 

..

When you woke up the next morning, he wasn’t there. The side of the bed where he’d lain was smoothed down and the pillow fluffed up. It was like he’d never even been there.

Was it a dream?

No. There was a note, a folded piece of paper.

Reaching for it, you saw Spencers cursive dancing across the page.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t stay. I love you too much to spend another night with you. It wouldn’t have been right, at least not whilst we’re not together. I’m working on that though.”

You cried again, this time having nothing to hold but your pillow.

…


	3. Jealous

It’s closer than my hands have been  
I’m jealous of the rain”

Spencer watched her across the park, laughing and joking with her friends.

He wasn’t following her, he hadn’t even realised she’d be here. But she was here. She hadn’t spotted him though. And he hoped she wouldn’t.

She looked…. happy.

And that killed him inside.

It wasn’t like he wanted her to be unhappy, he just hoped…. Well, he’d hoped that maybe she wouldn’t be quite as happy without him as she looked.

The last few months of their relationship had been had and although he’d hated to admit it, she’d been right to end it when she did. They couldn’t go on like they’d be doing. They’d been tip toeing around each other since she’d admitted that she did in fact want children, and he’d held fast to the notion that he didn’t.

But since she’d left, he’d started to question himself. Maybe this was something he could change, maybe this was something he wanted to change.

He’d been spending more time with JJ and Henry, doing more research into his Moms condition and re reading texts he’d read over and over before. He wasn’t one hundred percent as set on his decision as he was before. He was starting to doubt himself, starting to thing that maybe he did want a mini version of him running around. But the only person he’d want that with was her. And she’d left him.

He watched her pushing her friends daughter on the swing, smiling, the light summer breeze catching in her hair.

“I’m jealous of the wind  
That ripples through your clothes  
It’s closer than your shadow  
Oh, I’m jealous of the wind,”

How was she this happy already? When everytime he thought of her his heart broke again.

It wasn’t fair.

She was happy without him. She shouldn’t be.

“I wished you the best of  
All this world could give  
And I told you when you left me  
There’s nothing to forgive”

She’d lifted her friends daughter off the swing now and they were climbing up the steps to the slide together, the little girls hand in hers.

He was suddenly jealous of the child, getting to be that close to her, to hold her hand as tight as she was.

He was jealous of a child? Fucking hell, Reid.

“But I always thought you’d come back, tell me all you found was  
Heartbreak and misery  
It’s hard for me to say, I’m jealous of the way  
You’re happy without me”

Come on. Get it together, he told himself.

He watched her for a while longer before taking himself off home.

…

The nights were the hardest, when he was alone. He wondered what she was doing, who she was doing it with.

Had she moved on to another man? Had she forgotten him so quickly.

Did she love another already?

He couldn’t bring himself to imagine someone else laying next to her, where he should have been. Someone else kissing and caressing her, holding her tightly as she slept.

It made him feel sick to his stomach.

He had to stop himself checking her Facebook daily. He allowed himself to check it once a week. Just to see what she was up to. So far there was no mention of another new significant other, but then even when they’d been together she’d never been one for flaunting things on social media.

She was out, tagged in at a local bar with her friends. One of them had posted some photos of the group out already. She was stood next to another guy, his arm around her waist and a huge smile on both of their faces.

“As I sink in the sand  
Watch you slip through my hands  
Oh, as I die here another day  
Cause all I do is cry behind this smile”

He came off the Facebook app, feeling saddened. He needed to stop doing this to himself.

It didn’t matter now, she was obviously over him. It didn’t matter that his thoughts and feeling were changing. He’d told her that he’d do anything to make her happy, and at the time she’d told him that he’d be making himself unhappy to stop her from leaving.

She’d been right, he WOULD have said anything to stop her walking out that door. But now, he was realising that marriage and kids were perhaps something he wanted too. What use was it now though?

“I wished you the best of  
All this world could give  
And I told you when you left me  
There’s nothing to forgive  
But I always thought you’d come back, tell me all you found was  
Heartbreak and misery  
It’s hard for me to say, I’m jealous of the way  
You’re happy without me”

He rolled over, trying to sleep. Pushing all thoughts of her away, out of his mind.

Trying not to think of the life they could have and should have had together.

…

His phone was ringing. Who was calling him?

By the time he’d woken up fully and reached for it, the caller had disconnected, the voicemail icon flashing. He dialed in to receive it.

“Spencer…. It’s me. I…. I’m drunk…. I miss you so much…. I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I’m calling you, I just needed to hear your voice. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have called. I’ve had too much to drink. I’m gonna go home.”

She missed him.

Maybe…

Maybe it wasn’t too late.


	4. Already Gone

Another four weeks went by of life without Spencer Reid.

You kept looking at the note he’d left you, the night after you’d drunkenly called him.

“I’m working on that.” He’d said.

What did he mean?

Working on what exactly?

You deeply regretted calling him, it had stirred up all the old emotions that you’d felt when you’d initially left him, the constant feeling of you missing a part of you.

But deep down, you knew you’d made the right decision.

As much as you’d loved him, and you still did love him, you both wanted different things. You couldn’t make it fit.

“Remember all the things we wanted  
Now all our memories, they’re haunted  
We were always meant to say goodbye”

Life had gone on again, and you’d finished work on a Friday night, looking forward to a bottle of wine and some take out food.

You were surprised when you checked your phone and found you had a text from him, asking if he could come over. He wanted to talk to you about something.

You messaged him back saying that you didn’t think it was a good idea, what really was there left to talk about?

He persisted, begging and pleading until you told him it was okay. You knew that if you didn’t, there was a chance he’d just turn up at your door anyway. Spencer could be a stubborn fucker when he wanted something.

You quickly scanned around the apartment you’d made your home. It was clean enough. Looking in the mirror you double checked your make up. Your eye liner had smudged a little bit so you neatened it up and spritzed yourself with some perfume.

Fifteen minutes later, your doorbell rang. You pulled it open to see Spencer standing there, shuffling his feet nervously.

“Hey.” You greeted him with a quick smile. “Come in. Do you want a drink?”

“Erm…. No. Can we sit down? I need to say this to you now before I lose my nerve and run off.”

“Alright.” You led him over to your couch, unsure where this conversation was going.

“Y/N, I’ve been thinking a lot, about us. And why you ended it. It’s all I think about actually.”

He was playing with his hands, wringing them together.

“I can’t stop thinking about all the good times we had and how much fun we used to have. Do you remember?”

“I do.”

“I think you made a mistake. I think we should give it another go.”

Oh no.

Not this.

You couldn’t go through this again. This was your own fault though, you should have never have called him that night. You must have given him a false sense of hope.

“Spencer…. ”

“No, hear me out. Please.” He held his hands up to interrupt you and you sighed, letting him carry on.

“I saw you in the park a few weeks ago with Jessica and her little girl.”

He had? That was the night…. the night you’d called him.

You waited.

“Seeing you with her… I dunno. I’ve seen you with kids before and it’s never bothered me. This time it did.” He closed his eyes momentarily as if trying to gather his thoughts.

Opening them again, he looked you dead in the eyes.

“I want to raise a family with you. I want to do everything with you. Get married, buy a house with a white picket fence and have kids running around in the backyard.”

This… This was what you’d wanted.

So why did it feel wrong?

“Are you being serious. Spence, you can’t joke about this.”

“I’m not. Y/N, this time apart has been the worst time for me ever. I can’t stand being away from you any longer. All this time without you has made me realise that maybe I am willing to compromise.”

“Even with our fists held high,   
It never would’ve worked out right  
We were never meant for do or die.”

Ah.

There it was.

Maybe.

Compromise.

He was still doing this to get you to stay, to make you change your mind.

He was trying to convince himself that this is what he wanted but his words had betrayed him.

It dawned on you then why hearing him say those words hadn’t immediately sparked happiness inside you.

These few months had been hard. And yes, you’d slipped and called him. And you DID miss him. You missed the relationship, the having someone there.

But ultimately, you knew you’d made the right decision.

Oh fuck.

His eyes looked so hopeful. You’d already done this to him once. How could you do it again?

“Looking at you makes it harder  
But I know that you’ll find another  
That doesn’t always make you wanna cry”

You moved closer to him and took his hand into yours.

Bad move. His face lit up and he moved in and pressed his lips to yours.

The action took you by surprise and for a moment, you reciprocated, the feel and taste of him reawakening so many memories. It would be so easy to slip back into this, to open your arms to him and to never let him go. So easy. Your lips still fit perfectly together.

But it wasn’t right.

Resting your hands on his shoulders, it took everything you had to gently push him away.

“Spencer. No.” You said as softly as you could, tears already started to fill your eyes.

“No?” Came the small reply.

“No. We can’t do this. Not again.”

“But…. But… I want the things you do. I’ve changed my mind!”

You shook your head sadly. “Spencer you haven’t. You called it a compromise. If it was truly, one hundred percent what you wanted, you wouldn’t have said that.”

“It is… Y/N…. It is.”

“It isn’t.”

“I swear it. It is. I want to get married, I want us to start a family. We’ll start trying tomorrow. I promise, just please…” His voice cracked. “Please come back to me.”

“It started with the perfect kiss then  
We could feel the poison set in  
“Perfect” couldn’t keep this love alive”

“I can’t. I don’t love you anymore. Not the way you want me to.” The words hung in the air, and you looked away not being able to stand the pain on his face.

“I’m sorry. I need you to go.”

He grabbed your hand as you tried to stand up.

“No … Please….. Can’t we at least be friend then… I need you in my life. I don’t think I can do this without you.”

He was killing you now, completely killing you.

“Spencer. You CAN do this without me. You don’t want me back, you want the relationship. We’re not right together, not anymore. Maybe once we were, but we want different things.”

“I want the same as you! I do! We were perfect together.”

Was he delusional? You hadn’t been perfect together for a long time.

You pulled your hand away from him and rose to your feet.

“You know that I love you so  
I love you enough to let you go”

“We’re not. I can’t…. I can’t talk to you anymore. We can’t be friends.”

You couldn’t. If you gave him any sort of hope he’d never get over this.

“Please, don’t contact me again Spencer. You’ll get through this, and you’ll get over me. You’ll find someone else who is right for you. But not if you don’t let me go.”

“Y/N…… ” His eyes were pleading, his voice pitiful.

This was worse that the first time. Then you’d felt something for him, sadness, heartbreak. You’d joined him in his PAIN because you’d felt it too.

Now you just felt pity.

“ I want you to know  
That it doesn’t matter  
Where we take this road  
But someone’s gotta go.”

“I need you to leave Spencer, and never come back. I’m gone. I can’t be part of your life anymore. I left it when I walked out of the door all those months ago. I’m not coming back into your life. I’m already gone.”

He sat in silence for what seemed like an age before standing and walking to your door.

He looked at you once more and you shook your head.

Opening your door, he walked through it, the sound of it closing and the silence that followed was deafening.

“And I want you to know  
You couldn’t have loved me better  
But I want you to move on  
So I’m already gone”


End file.
